Miles from Nashville, Tennessee to Navarre Beach, Florida: 451
Amount of time we thought it would take to get there: 6.5 hours
Time it actually took: 9.5 hours
Number of dead armadillos we saw on the side of the highway: A truly alarming amount.
Number of times I called my brother to ask if seeing 1,000 dead armadillos in one day was a bad omen: 2 (he said “no” and “well, probably not”)
Frequency with which Nick and I said some version of, “Wait, why didn’t anyone tell me Alabama is fucking gorgeous?” while driving through Alabama: Once every 10 minutes.
Number of coffee shops in Birmingham that were closed when we stopped there for a coffee break: All of them but one.
How much we loved the one coffee shop that was open, on a scale of 1-10: 10
Number of restaurants that were open within a 20-mile radius of our hotel: 1 (what up, Mellow Mushroom!)
Amount of time we had on the beach the following morning before the first thunderstorm rolled in: 20 minutes
Number of dolphins we saw frolicking in the waves that more than made up for said storm: 15
Number of times an angry fisherman stomping around on the pier muttered, “Fucking dolphins!” under his breath: 10
Number of tourists wearing Margaritaville t-shirts pointing at the fucking dolphins yelling, “Are those great white sharks?!”: 3
Amount of time it took me to convince Nick to give our hotel’s continental breakfast a chance: 1 hour
Number of waffles from said continental breakfast Nick ultimately ate over a 3-day period: 7 (with maple syrup, crumbled Reese’s peanut butter cups, and whipped cream, natch)
Number of days it rained while we were there: 2 out of 3
Number of possible rainy day activities, according to the barista at a nearby coffee shop: 2 (mini golf at the mall or betting on billiards at a bar down the road)
Episodes of “Cutthroat Kitchen” we watched during a particularly ferocious rainstorm: 5 (god that show is amazing)
Amount of boiled peanuts we bought at a road side stand: 1 large styrofoam cup
Number of angry ducks who attacked us for said boiled peanuts: 2 (“They’re friendly, said the boiled peanut vendor, “as long as you give them all your peanuts.”)
Number of months that have passed since Nick bought a pair of rollerblades at Goodwill: 6
Number of times since then I’ve tried to make him give them back to Goodwill: 50
Number of times he’d used his rollerblades before this trip: zero.
Number of seconds after he put on his rollerblades and struck this pose that I admitted I was wrong, his rollerblades are amazing, and he should absolutely keep them forever: 5
Hours it took to get home, thanks to massive construction delays: 11
Number of those hours I spent asking Nick “clever” conversation-starters, like, “How would your life be different if you were named Steve?”: 10.5
Number of vegetable side dishes offered at the roadside cafe where we ate lunch on the way home: 3
Number of those vegetables that were poundcake: 1 (“We count it as a vegetable here, honey,” said the waitress.)
Weeks it took to fully recover from our sunburns: 2